Notes from the Podcasts

In this episode, we hear an advertisement for Marvin’s Colossal Cosmic Shopodrome and then sign onboard the Icehauler Josephine as it continues its trip across the asteroid belt and stops off the asteroid of Dr. Dooroogha

Q: Doesn’t Marvin object to his employee insulting him in the ads for his store all the time?

A: Apparently Marvin doesn’t listen to the ads and is just happy that sales are up. If he did listen he would probably just ignore the insults since his sense of self worth seems to be impervious. He’s like that.

Q: Why would someone create a stronghold that looks like a castle in the middle of the asteroid belt?

A: Rich, powerful people do a lot of strange things. Just look up all the pictures of castles, and mansions built on top of mountains or hidden away on islands. Rich people often flaunt their wealth to nothing but water, a variety of plants and rocks and empty space. Weird.

Q: If Valentina was keeping all these people captive wouldn’t law enforcement eventually be alerted and come looking?

A: The asteroid belt is very large, the asteroids are very spread out, and there isn’t much law enforcement presence so 911 response times tend to be measured in years if not in decades. Also, it’s a weird place, ships go missing a lot, and Dr. Dooroogha contributes heavily to the Asteroid Belt Police Department’s Benevolent Fund so you can draw your own conclusions.

Q: So is Valentina mostly human or mostly machine? And how close to human is she, it, really?

A: Good question. Unfortunately, since that isn’t clear up front, and doing a close inspection of her would not be appropriate, so we may never know.

Q: So is Josephine going to spend most of her time in the Android-cyborg-mechanically-enhanced-somehwat-human body now or in the ship?

A: I don’t know. I guess we’ll have to find out.

In this episode, we take a guided tour of planet Urt (the planet formerly known as Earth) with a real Urtling guide! Afterwards, we tag along with the icehauler Josephine as the solar system’s most argumentative and ill tempered ship’s crew makes stops through the asteroid belt.

Q: Are visits to planet Urt safe?

A: About as safe as visiting Earth is about now. All tour participants must sign a waiver absolving the tour company of all responsibility for any injuries or emotional trauma.
Q: Do people from the Moon and space really not believe that large amounts of standing water could exist on Earth?

A: Well, people tend to trust what they know, and the most water many of them would have seen is what comes out of a tap, is sitting in a swimming pool and maybe they saw sloshing around in Beeto Bay if they’ve visited there though Beeto Bay is small compared with a earthly lake.

Q: Don’t people on the Moon notice the Earth is mostly blue because it has, like, oceans?

A: There’s been a lot of cloud cover for years and though scientists tell people the blue of earth is oceans made out of water and the clouds are also made of water vapor many people either don’t bother to look up at Earth (Urt) much or just don’t believe them. There are people now who think the world is flat and the world is secretly run by reptilian aliens so go figure.

Q: Bill’s Urt immigration exam seems pretty simple. Is it official?

A: Well, since there isn’t a U.S. government or even a state government where he is any more, he’s really just accepting Howard into the village and I guess they need people and Bill has pull so no big deal.

Q: Does it really make sense to haul water from the Moon out to the asteroid belt? Don’t the asteroids have water?

A: You have a point. The asteroid belt is supposed to have a good deal of water though it isn’t totally clear how much. On the other hand, the Moon and asteroids close to Earth may have a lot of water so if gangs of folks go out to the asteroids to mine and whatnot it isn’t hard to believe they’d need ships full of water to run out there to give them a top up. Besides, maybe Moon water is prized and gets a premium. People buy water from Fiji now in bottles when it runs out of a tap from home for practically nothing. People are strange that way.

Q: Will we really have pets in space?

A: It appears so. Once we get life in space to work for humans, it makes sense we’d want to haul some critters along with us. We’re like that. We may need to simulate gravity to keep them and ourselves healthy in space (think big spinning wheel-like stations or ships with features like they had in 2001: A Space Odyssey). I can’t see us making pets out of any microbes we might happen to find out there. Have you ever tried to get a single-celled organism to sit up or roll over? To fetch you a beer? And, even if we do find some life out there, what if it only understands Venusian?

Q:I think dog shows are weird. I can’t believe people waste their time on things like that.

A:Dog shows are fine. You must be a cat person. Besides, people waste their time on all sorts of things. I mean, look at you, you’re reading a website that’s discussing pets in outer space. Say no more.

Q: How do you know cats wouldn’t like zero gravity?

A: Funny you should ask. You can check out their actual reactions in this clip here. The most amazing thing about the scenario in the video is that someone wrote a proposal to take a lot of cats up in a plane to simulate zero gravity just to see what they’d do and someone else paid for it. What on earth (so to speak) can they have put in that grant for justification? “We need to find out whether cats will like zero gravity because…what? We may develop an alien mouse problem on a space station?”. Get me that grant writer! Of course it sounds like they must have been Russian so maybe not.

Q: Will we really come up with new dog breeds in space?

A: Sure, we’ve been doing it for thousands of years, why stop now? And now we know how to edit genes. You can imagine the possibilities. Want a miniature St. Bernard-Dachs-labra-husky-poodle with a curly green tail and purple glowing ears? Anything’s possible.

Q:Why do we have pets anyway?

A: You obviously haven’t had one. Because they’re great. They given an incredible amount to us over the centuries and don’t ask for all that much in return. I think space would seem a whole lot emptier without them.

Q: Isn’t it true that there’s some law that says robots and intelligent devices aren’t allowed to harm people?

A: I’ve heard that one too, but I wish they’d tell most robotic phone help systems about it, not to mention all the automated factories that have put people out of work and military drones out there. As with most laws, if that one exists, I suspect its effectiveness depends on who is in charge of enforcement and who exactly is allowed to define “harm.”

Q: Are devices in the future actually alive or are they just programmed to pretend they are?

A: I don’t know. Most times when I don’t know the answer to a question I ask my phone. I just asked mine and it said it didn’t know, but to check back with it in a few hundred years.

Q: Maxine sounds pretty neat. Where can I get a phone like her (or like it, I guess).

A: Not yet available. Something tells me it will be a while, since the factory is on the Moon and they won’t break ground for a few centuries. If you put in a preorder I’d put a copy of it in a time capsule for your descendants.

Q: Mike Astro makes some references to a few things like the “Rockettes” and “Rottweilers.” How would he know about those?

A: Good question. For any of these seemingly anachronistic references there’s usually a very simple explanation. In the case of the “Rockettes,” he’s referring to the Rockettes who perform in the Tranquility City Rockodrome, a big concert venue. They dress up in skimpy rock costumes and do high kicking dance numbers. Some people find this entertaining, I guess because most of the actual rocks on the Moon (they have a whole lot of them) are grey and just sit there, usually for millions of years at a time. As to “Rottweilers,”where people go dogs soon tag along after them. (They’re like that.) In the case of space a dog actually went up there before people did though it didn’t end well for the dog. For more information, ask your phone about Laika but have Kleenex handy.

Q: So, technically, is Maxine a member of the 429s?

A: No spoilers, but I would note that Maxine is a keen investigator who would want to understand such things for herself. On the other hand, she’s not a joiner so you can draw your own conclusions.

Q: People in the future still have to work? Bummer.

A: Yes. Apparently work is something we will not be free of, at least not for the next few hundred years. Though, when you think about it, work isn’t really all that bad. What else are you going to do? Sit around and watch TV? They will have more old movies in the future than we do now (it stands to reason), but eventually you’d get through them all and you can only nap or sit around drinking beer and eating chips for so long. By the way, doing nothing on the Moon is even worse for you than it is down here on Earth because of the low gravity. You have to active. Jumbo deluxe galaxy-sized bummer!

Q: Did they ever raise the minimum wage to $15 dollars an hour?

A: I think it was raised to $13.50 in around 2065 and then stayed there for, like, 100 years. When they talk about money on the Moon in the future it’s all in Moon dollars. When they refer to trade with the Urt (Earth), it’s mostly in the form of barter since the Urt economic system isn’t really back on its feet yet. I do know that a bear pelt is worth three cases of Beeto beer if that’s of any help.

Q: Is Marvin of Marvin’s Colossal Cosmic Shopodrome really as nasty as they say?

A: Yes. It’s been said if you go to his store and stand in one place for too long he comes and asks you if you are going to buy anything and if you say no he says you should at least stack a few cans or something as compensation for taking up space in his store and using up oxygen for which he pays good money. Most people don’t take very kindly to this and don’t go back to the Shopodrome. As a consequence, he has to spend a lot on advertising to get a steady flow of new customers.

Q: Is the Church of the Lunar Origination for real and do they actually believe all that stuff?

A: You’d have to ask the prophet Tiffany or one of her followers but since she wrote the book the church is based on and they take it as their gospel, I guess we already know the answer.

Q: How much does a Crater Filler make on the Moon?

A: I know they earn more than you’d think since they have a hard time finding people to take the job. It’s pretty boring. Also, most folks don’t like to work on the surface. Crater Fillers are part of the Surface Workers Union which is pretty powerful. Excellent benefits! Really good package for your family if you happen to get hit by a meteor. Double benefits for death by asteroid.

Q: The Ice Hauler Josephine hauls ice around? Have they gone back to using iceboxes in the future?

A: They still have refrigerators. One of the most precious substances in space is water and you need a lot of it to drink, grow food, wash and make stuff like rocket fuel. Consequently, there are a lot of ships hauling H20 around. In the case of the Josephine, I guess they don’t want the water sloshing around in the ship. Space can be very hot or very cold so I guess they decided it was easier to keep as ice. Ice is easier to tie down.

Q: Is it true the church of the Lunar Origination believes the Garden of Eden was on the Moon? Is there any evidence of that?

A: According to the Book of Tiffany, the Church’s holy book, the Garden was obliterated when God got angry and banished the human race to Earth to teach us a lesson. According to the Church, all the craters on the Moon are abundant evidence that this took place so there’s no point in arguing about it.

Q: Do you believe that?

A: This is a non-doctrinal, non-denominational podcast. If we can help it, we try to avoid topics that could get us burned at the stake, thrown out an airlock or trolled online. So, to answer your question, I’ll just say that, apparently, in the future, a lot of people do believe it and I’ll leave it there.

Q: Are crater views on the Moon really all that special

A: Well, considering we’re talking about the Moon here, sure. Most of the Moon tends to look pretty much the same. Grey. Beat up as your grandpa’s old Dodge pickup. That being the case, even staring at a more than usually large hole in the ground might offer a bit of variety.

Q: Why are some communities on the Moon like Clavius Cratertown more expensive than others? Isn’t the Moon all kind of the same?

A: If you can tell me why apartments in Manhattan are a lot more expensive than apartments right across the river in New Jersey when they both look out at the same river, I might be able to help you. I hadn’t been aware that a river looked different depending on what side you observed it from. On the other hand, I live on the Manhattan side and pay a Manhattan rent when I could easily move to New Jersey and pay less so there’s that. What can I say, people are strange.

Q: Sub Level 51 sounds pretty bad. Why does anyone live there?

A: It’s very cheap. Nothing more to it than that. And the stories about having your entire living space carted off in the middle of the night and stuck into monster infested storage without notice while you’re still inside are, I’m told, greatly exaggerated. It doesn’t occur more than twelve or thirteen times a year. Tops. As to the complaints about the slime in the water, bad wiring and strange creatures roaming the halls those are all pretty well documented.

Q: Do the authorities actually allow the Mooncheese Puff company to put drugs in snack food in the future?

A: Yes. Sad but true. And, one has to note, that if humans can get so bored and unhappy now as to need drugs on our blue planet surrounded by oceans, lakes, mountains, forests, deserts, the vast variety of wildlife and with all the rest of nature on Earth to stare at, you can imagine how bored some people must get sealed up in domes and sealed caverns on what was formerly a grey, lifeless rock hurtling through space. What’s amazing is that the folks who run the Moon don’t have to put the stuff in the water! On the contrary, most lunatics, like people everywhere, seem to be pretty happy without drugs. Go figure.

Q: Does Moondog Pizza actually have the best pizza in the known cosmos?

A: So they claim. Similar claims are made by pizza joints in Tranquility City, Clavius Cratertown, Port Armstrong, Mars, the space stations etc. Like now, all of them serve something like the same thing with some variations. I know people have strong opinions on this, but pizza is basically the same wherever you go (dough, red or white sauce, cheese, stuff on top). Many of the ingredients in the future come out of something that looks like a chemical plant, though Moondog Pizza does grow their own mushrooms and tomatoes so they deserve props for that. Since we are separated from the people of the future in time and space, I haven’t actually sampled any of the pizza cooked up across the solar system in days to come so who can say which pizza is actually best? To be fair, Moondog Pizza is highly rated and has a devoted following and if they say they’re the best in the cosmos I guess only God could contradict them. On this topic, as on so many others, he… she… it is silent.

Q: Beeto Bay sounds like a cool place with a lot of fun food. Do they have hot dogs and hamburgers too?

A: Sure. Though, as usual, you wouldn’t want to know what’s actually in the hot dogs and the hamburgers are now called Beeto Burgers and taste more like meat flavored tofu with a lot of ketchup, mustard and pickles on top. People seem to like them but then the future people of the Moon are a bit different.

Q: Is all Martian food as strange and potentially dangerous as Goomchut?

A: One does hear stories. Before going to a Martian restaurant, it is said it is best to inform your next of kin and to bring along a bottle of Cosmic Bismol (which can settle any stomach in 26.53 seconds, guaranteed!) for immediate application if required. Some people have a nearly instant violent reaction to the fare. You would think this would drive people away in droves but, in fact, it seems to interest a certain type of thrill seeker, and you have a steady stream of new customers headed to Martian joints every month and just as steady a stream of calls to poison control and the future equivalent of 911 afterwards followed by complaints to town boards, letters to the editor and lawsuits trying to close the places down. Martian food persists, however, just like rats, cockroaches and ads for ambulance chasing lawyers and much like those things there is a grudging admiration for Martian food’s persistence in the face of such strong resistance and horrible publicity. In more ways than one, it is said, “You just can’t keep Martian Food down.”

Q: What does Lunar fake chocolate taste like?

A: Based on a thorough review of the various descriptions, something like a combination of boot polish, sourdough bread and furniture wax with a tangy aftertaste reminiscent of licking of battery. It is very popular for some reason. You just can’t figure on people’s tastes. Maybe it’s because they call it “chocolate” and people crave “chocolate” even even when there isn’t a whole lot of actual real chocolate in the product. Buy a bar of your favorite stuff and have a look at the ingredients.

Q: Do people in the future in the Moon not actually like real chocolate once they’ve tasted it?

A: I wouldn’t go too much by the tastes of one person calling in to complain. Given time, the real thing will supplant the fake stuff though I’m sure the fake stuff will still have a following. Chocolate is like catnip for humans. It’s going to catch on again eventually. We can’t help ourselves. Once can only hope it does so before all the product the Lunar Confections Company has stacked up in the warehouse has passed its sell date.

Q: Will people discriminate against cyborgs?

A: It depends on how you define what a cyborg is. If you say it’s anyone who is partly machine, we have lots of cyborgs now, anyone with a pacemaker, hearing aid, prosthetic leg, artificial heart valve, hip etc.  We don’t actually give them much thought now and it will probably be even less of a big deal in the future. On the other hand, if some who had a head made of titanium and glowing red eyes asked if they could buy you a drink, would you say yes?  I guess for most people it’s a matter of degree.

Q: Will it one day be possible to have a remote to turn your partner’s volume up or down, make them change the subject, move the dial up (or down) on their libido, or just plain make them pay more attention to you?

A: I’m not sure, but If you think you fight over the remote now can you imagine what that would be like?

Q: I find it hard to believe that two people would try to get romantic in moon suits in the back of a lunar rover on the lunar surface. How could they think that was going to work?

A: All I can say is that when it comes to getting something to eat or having sex, people will try most anything. If you can think of a place to have sex, some couple has already gone there and tried to get busy and then gone online to brag about it.  If you don’t believe me, google the Mile High Club.

Q: Will there really be private detectives on the Moon a few centuries from now?

A: Do you think people in the future will stop cheating on their spouses, faking disability, pretending they’ve done things they haven’t to get a job or stop exhibiting any of the other behaviors that drive individuals and businesses to hire private detectives now to go and check them out? Case closed. Yes, I think we will still need gumshoes in days to come.

A: Will they still wear trench coats, sit in dark corners and drink bourbon?

Q: No doubt. But the trench coats will be to keep the Moon dust off their clothes and the bourbon will be aged in synthetic oak barrels deep in a lunar lava tube.

Q: Would they really make an appliance that is capable of falling in love with a human? That sounds pretty crazy. Why would you make a machine with emotions?

A: Well, one way to think about it is once we make devices really, really smart and even conscious, whatever exactly that means, we’ll have a decision to make. Do we give them feelings and risk they feel too much or do we try to play it safe and not give them emotions? And before you answer that question consider that we already have intelligent beings on this planet who are incapable of empathy. We call them “sociopaths…”

Q: I think it’s silly to name your car.  What do you think?

A: People have been naming their cars and insisting they have personalities ever since the things started rolling off assembly lines. People talk to them a great deal even before now when they can talk back. Most acting out by cars, up to this point, has been more of the passive aggressive variety.  Not starting, making horrible noises, that sort of thing. Now that they can talk. I wonder how long it will be before they start getting a bit of their own back and giving us a piece of their digital minds?

Q: In the future, will people still use stale pickup lines like “haven’t we met before?”

A: Sure. Some pickup lines still in use were old in ancient Mesopotamia (we have the clay tablets) and were considered stale even then. Do you know how to say “Are there any more like you at home” in ancient Urdu?

Q: Will they really clone people one day? I don’t believe that.

A: You don’t believe it will ever be possible or you don’t believe human beings would ever do such a thing? To respond to the first point I’d just say that we can already clone a number of animals with some success, technology is inexorable and forever is a long time.  To respond to the second point, I’d just note that we’ve invented the atomic bomb, poison gas and biological weapons all of which, I’m sure, a lot of people thought we’d never actually use. Have we?

Q: What would it be like to be around your clone?

A: Ask any identical twin.

Q: Is there really a monster down on Sub Level 51 on the Moon in the future?

A: People say they’ve seen and heard one. On the other hand where on Earth (of the Moon rather) could it have come from? Still, let’s just say that if you live on about Sub Level 46 or closer to the surface the jury is still out on whether the creature exists but if you live down on Sub Level 47 or lower, close enough to hear it sometimes at night, you’re probably a believer.

Q: How could there be ghosts in outer space?

A: Well, wherever people go they start to insist they seen and heard strange things. And, on the other hand, if you believe in these things, if we leave Earth what are the poor ghosts supposed to do all by themselves without us around for them to haunt?  If a ghost goes “boo!” in an empty house, did it actually make any noise? I know that is a complicated metaphysical question. In any case, I’d bet on the ghosts tagging along with us.

Q: Are the Urtlings really as nasty as they say?

A: Yes. Nothing is as savage, unpredictable and downright smelly as an Urtling. I recommend you stay away. They also carry a lot of germs which is very bad news!

Q: Did Alan Shephard really take a golf ball to the moon? And did it really have Daisy written on it?

A: Yes. He actually took two, I guess that was in case he missed the first one or he messed up and it went into a sand trap or something. Frankly, though, since the entire moon is one big sand trap and there’s nothing that remotely resembles a green anywhere on it (I’ve checked) much less a hole for a golf ball to go into (craters don’t count) who cares really. He took the head of a driver and screwed it into a rod used to collect samples. And, yes, when he hit the ball, it did go a very long way and is counted as the longest drive in human history. We do not know whether it exceeds any drives made by any golfers of alien races. Maybe someday we’ll know.

Q: Is there really a historical society in the future in Tranquility City?

A: Of course there is. Everywhere humans go there are historical societies full of nice old ladies eager to tell you all about stuff you don’t care about. The history on display is usually very boring and no one wants to know about it or, if they do know about it, they would just as soon forget it. On the other hand, humans accumulate a lot of useless stuff and I guess you have to put it somewhere. Once something is old enough it’s supposed to become interesting. I have often found this not to be true. For instance, I do not find old broken pots interesting, not old broken greek pots, old broken roman pots or old broken estruscan pots. Do you? Why? Discuss.

Q: Why hasn’t Miss Astra been fired?

A: I don’t know. Maybe she has a cousin on the school board.

Q: Did someone really take a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue and some old detective novels to the moon?

A: Well, they must have because there they are on display in the future in the Tranquility City Historical Society! Going to the Moon was a long trip in those days and the astronauts probably knew they are going to be bored. Astronauts as a rule don’t bore easily but you never know what they will get up to. I don’t understand them myself. Would any sensible person climb on top of a rocket and get shot up into outer space? I don’t think so.

Q: Do you really intercept transmissions from the Moon of the future?

A: Yes. There is a hole in the space time continuum that opens up occasionally just above my refrigerator. It looks like a small, neon orange trampoline, turned on its side, that is being jumped on by an invisible four year old who’s eaten too much sugar. Signals come out of it and I listen to them. Unfortunately, these transmissions don’t contain any prophetic utterances or anything like that. Mostly, it’s just a lot of dumb stuff. Apparently people in the future haven’t changed a lot. That’s just sad.

Q: What is that tuning sort of noise that comes in occasionally?

A: That’s my highly sophisticated future Moon signal receiver seeking the right wavelength. The device is constructed of a microphone, some gaff tape, bits of an old stereo receiver, a blender, a little toy robot and some other stuff. The device was very expensive and difficult to construct and it needs constant maintenance. Well, everyone needs a hobby.

Q: What are the “Big Spinners?”

A: It’s a name people on the Moon use to refer to the space stations such as Clarke Station, Hudson Station and others. The stations are circular and spin around to create artificial gravity. Just remember when your big brother would hold you by the feet and swing you around around until all the blood rushed to your head and you got sick. Its like that. Actually, it isn’t really. Just go back and watch the first hour or so of 2001 A Space Odyssey and you’ll get the idea.

Q: Is there really water on the Moon?

A: Yes. There is water ice, especially at the South and North Poles in shadowed craters, you just have to search very hard for it or have the good luck to trip and fall on top of it like Captain Harry Beeto. Some people have all the luck.

Q: What is “A-Day?”

A: Seriously? I said no spoilers! I hate spoilers. What’s wrong with you? Just finish the silly episode. You’ll find out.

Q: Is it true that, in the future, Martian cruise ships will only visit the Moon once every two years?

A: Yes. Mars approaches the Earth in its orbit about once every two years so that makes sense. The rest of the time Mars is wasting its time messing around somewhere else in the solar system, like on the other side of the sun, probably getting up to no good. This is Mars we’re talking about. Mars is odd, ask anyone, and apparently it really needs its space (so to speak). As to only operating the cruises when the planets are close together, have you ever been on a cruise? Those things are long enough! Imagine a cruise that went on for, like, a couple of years? No thanks!

Q: What is Martian Goomchut?

A: Its’ a dish made by the Goom people of Mars. All I’ll say about it is that it seems to be an acquired taste and the Gooms are pretty weird. We’ll hear more about Goomchut down the line.

Q: What’s a lava tube?

A: The Moon was large and molten at one point and long empty tubes formed inside the lava as it hardened. We have lava tubes on Earth as well but the ones on the Moon and Mars are much larger, probably because of the lower gravity. It appears that the people who one day will settle the Moon will seal those lava tubes up, fill them with air, get out some dry wall and nail guns and then hire a decorator. Good for them.

Q: Is there such a thing as lava tube monsters?

A: No. Of course not. Anywhere humans go, they start insisting within a few weeks of arrival that there are weird critters running around which can only be photographed with cameras that take fuzzy pictures. How could there be such a thing as a lava tube monster? Before we got to the Moon it was a barren, lifeless rock. Don’t be stupid. Still, many people in the future say they’ve seen or heard them so who knows…